Hold your butts people this one is going to be a rant…

Dear Guests of South,

The fighting over tables shit has got to stop. Y’all are working my last damn nerves with this Degrassi Junior High fighting and fussin’ over A TABLE!!! This is SOUTH not Le Cirque. We sell fried chicken not sweet breads sous vided in the nectar of a Hawaiian Koki’o flower. There is no exclusivity about what we do! No three month wait list. From now on, here is a list of scenarios that, I swear to sweet baby Jesus in heaven, I’m gonna kick ya out if I catch you doing it:

#1: Yelling across the restaurant at guests that you feel did you dirty because they took the table you wanted, even though these cats had already ordered their food and are sipping their drinks and you're still in line and  haven’t even looked at the menu…ridiculous.

#2: Telling people to get up and move because you had dibs on said table…are you for fucking real!? Are you four years old, do you lick the last Dorito in the bag so that now one else can have it?

#3: Getting nasty with staff because you think by calling us names and standing an inch in front of my face that I’m going to be like, “Alright go ahead and cut the line and grab a table.” I’M FROM NEW ORLEANS!!! Like Redd Foxx said in “Harlem Nights” you do not want to be messing around with no Creole girl! I’ll put a rook on you and call it a night!

Listen I’m going to tell everyone a little secret…yes we do put crack in the fried chicken to make you crave it like Tyrone Biggums. That being said, it is not an excuse for inappropriate behavior and bad manners when dining out. You need to monitor your addiction to this chicken better!!! If you know that by Saturday night you’re gonna be acting like a damn fool because you haven’t had a re-up since Tuesday, then you need to plan out your week.

Dine-in on Tuesday, order two orders to-go on Thursday, have left overs Friday morning with the coffee and then you should be able to coast through the weekend. Problem solved. See, simple solutions, and then I don’t have to go to Botanica Cubayende over on Franklin Blvd. and get herbs and candles cause you pissed me off and now I’m making voodoo dolls. I don’t want to be that person, and you don’t want me to stick a pin in your voodoo doll’s back.

So know that we have established a healthy set of rules regarding ordering, let’s move forward together in a positive direction. You’ll order your food FIRST and THEN grab a table. I know that we’ve been quite busy lately; it can get frustrating when you’re hangry (hungry + angry), but we will get you a table.  We are going to cut the grams that we’ve been adding to fried chicken flour mix and maybe some of you will get less hyphy when you come in.